Bismillah, all thanks to Allah and peace and blessings be upon His beloved Muhammad ﷺ.
People often ask, what should we look for in a spouse? Some people actually have a long list of what they are looking for in a spouse! But what should we be prioritising?
Shaykh Hasan discusses “choosing a suitable spouse” in our Free Pre-Marital Course to all members which can be found at https://certified2marry.com/pre-marital-course/
There is nothing wrong with having certain requirements when choosing a spouse. Often, people reject a righteous spouse due to them not matching every single requirement on their list. It would help to be mindful of your decisions as you may need to compromise. This does not mean we should compromise on religiosity or good character. However, for example, if you would like your spouse to live on the same street as you, it may not be possible and looking further a field may be necessary.
Our beloved Rasool ﷺ told us what to look for when seeking a spouse. The below list is in the order of the Sha’afi school of Fiqh (there are hardly any differences between the schools about this):
- Religiousness
- Intelligence
- A good character and disposition
- Fertility
- From a good family
- Virginity
- Beauty
- That which fills some other relevant interest, eg living in the same city, allowing further education etc
The following ahadith are also well known to explain some of the criteria set:
“A woman is married for one of four reasons; wealth, rank, beauty or piety. Choose the possessor of piety and achieve success.” (Sahih Bukhari 762 v2)
“Do not marry women on account of their beauty, for it is possible that this very beauty may become the cause of her destruction. Neither marry women because of their wealth for it is possible this may be a cause for her rebellion and mischief. Rather marry women because of their piety. A lowly slave girl graced with piety and noble character is infinitely superior to a beautiful high class women of poor character.” (Sunan Ibn Majah P133)
There are many more Ahadith but these are just a few to reiterate the importance of following the criteria set for us.
It is worth noting that although women are being spoken about, it in fact applies to both men and women. Women must also choose a man who is religious and pious if they wish to be successful.
Even in the Noble Qur’an Allah Most High says:
An-Nur 24:26
ٱلْخَبِيثَٰتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَٱلْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَٰتِۖ وَٱلطَّيِّبَٰتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَٱلطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَٰتِۚ أُو۟لَٰٓئِكَ مُبَرَّءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌ وَرِزْقٌ كَرِيمٌ
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable.”
When choosing a spouse, the number 1 factor should be religiousness and piety. Now how can we recognise whether an individual is religious/pious you may ask? It is not necessarily the man or woman with external religious attire posting Islamic quotes on social media daily. It is important to do research about an individual when considering them. Do they pray their daily prayers regularly? Yes. Good. How do they treat their family and how will they behave with you? Good character is essential. A person who truly fears Allah will fear harming other people, especially those close to them. Ask their close family and friends for references; this is one of the few times where “back-biting” is allowed as it is to provide information that can affect a person’s life significantly. In addition, Istikhara (the prayer of guidance) is important and very simple to perform to assist with making the right decision in-sha-Allah.
Before you even consider what you would like in your spouse, have you thought about what you can offer? What is it within you that makes you a suitable spouse? Are you wanting those same qualities in the man/woman you marry? How will you know if the person you are speaking to is compatible? This is why it is important to ensure you know yourself well before you set out for Marriage. Understand your temperament, your love language and your natural disposition to help in choosing the right person. Deal with your past traumas and limited beliefs before deciding what kind of person would be good for you.
Look beyond appearance and focus on the heart and soul. Does this potential have a kind heart? Are they displaying qualities that you would like in your children’s future Mother/Father? Will they be patient and communicate effectively when having disagreements or experiencing any trials/tribulations? Can you work together as a team and are they emotionally intelligent? As we age, looks change, the feelings of lust are temporary but loving the heart and soul will be eternal. Most people are looking for companionship, to start a family, to have intimacy and of course fulfil the sunnah of all the Prophets (May Allah’s peace be upon them all). We must look deeper if we want lasting success. Many of us marry in order to stay married for eternity, which is a long time! We need to try our best to ensure we choose the best one we can by preparing in advance. If we are superficial when we are looking, the marriage will be superficial and may not last long which can result in a lot of heartache and pain beyond the couple.
Ask yourself: “What preparation have I done for Marriage?”, “Can I identify a suitable spouse or do I still need to understand the reality of Marriage?”, “Have I based my choices for a partner based on what others have advised or based on the advice of RasoolAllah ﷺ?”, “What are my priorities in choosing a spouse?”, “Am I focusing on being religious/pious myself in order to attract someone who is also religious/pious?”.
Please feel free to comment, ask questions, contribute in-sha-Allah.
May Allah bless you with a righteous, religious, pious spouse with good character that is compatible with you to embark on your journey to Allah as a team where you understand each other with patience and kindness between you, Ameen Ya Rabbil Ala Meen.